Papal Bull

The pope tells us that masturbation is an abomination (except, apparently, for those countless heathens who preceded Catholicism, lucky devils). The logic behind this stance, we’re told, is that spilling one’s seed other than in the proper receptacle, under the proper conditions, is prima facie against “God’s will.” God invented sex, you see, not for loving couples to join with and pleasure each other, but for God-fearing couples to produce as many new Catholics as possible.

Curiously unmentioned by the pope regarding the inherent evil of masturbation is the fact that masturbation for females does not involve spilling one’s seed, and therefore cannot warrant the same moral sanction it does for boys. Indeed, it would seem that girls get to pleasure themselves with impunity while boys get to choose between chronic sexual frustration and being cast into hellfire for all eternity, in company, unavoidably, with mass murderers and serial rapists. 

The pope also tells us that “impure thoughts” are an abomination. An impure thought is any mental image visited upon or conjured by one’s imagination that has anything to do with sex. The logic here is that any mental image involving sex is prima facie one and the same with the act itself. Given this “logic,” one has to wonder what God-fearing parent would risk providing her pubescent child with a sex education of any sort for fear it might trigger an uncontrollable cascade of impure thoughts and thereby condemn her child to a fate of unimaginable horror.

Finding Kanzus

Why can’t Johnny find Kansas on a map?

 The same reason he can’t read.

 Johnny lives in a culture in which learning for leaning’s sake, knowing for knowing’s sake, understanding for understanding’s sake, has little intrinsic value. Johnny lives in a culture in which a majority of parents do not read to their children, do not take them on exploratory excursions, and do not discuss the issues of the day with them at the dinner table. Johnny lives in a culture in which the average child spends over six hours a day texting, Facebooking, cellphoning, apping, and instant-messaging. Johnny lives in a culture in which most major-league baseball pitchers make more money per pitch than most teachers make in an entire school year. Johnny lives in a culture in which creationism is believed by 62% of the adult population to be an appropriate topic of study in a public high school. Johnny lives in a culture in which any student who openly shows a passion for learning risks being bullied unto the brink.

Bottom Line: Johnny lives in a culture in which no one under 60 has any idea who Frank Baum is.